I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
