hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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