Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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