I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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