I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
