Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
