I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
