and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
