Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
