I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
