how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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