dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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