She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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