I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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