The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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