I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
worst night to have a conscience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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