If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
