I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
