omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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