homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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