Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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