i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
