my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
