This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
