Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
