If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
