Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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