if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
