i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
