She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
