I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You took a bar mat shot.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
