Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
