i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
