I need help removing her.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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