I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
