I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
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