so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
