either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
