Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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