I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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