I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
