I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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