Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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