I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
