I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
