someone threw a dead crab at me
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
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Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
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How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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