So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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