good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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