I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
