sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
