Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
