you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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