As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
