Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
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I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
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I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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